"I've never felt more myself, more complete or happy," he says, unemotionally. Three years later he went to a cutter in California and got rid of them safely and efficiently. In hospital a horrified A&E surgeon castigated him for trying to remove healthy tissue. But after an hour he ran out of adrenaline and went into clinical shock. The idea of cutting aroused him sexually, but more than that, there was an aching need to be rid of something that had begun to take a stranglehold of his life.Īt first he tried to cut off the offending items himself by using rubber bands as a tourniquet and drenching his balls in ice water. By 1991 Gelding's testicles had become an unbearable affront to him. One of his first boyfriends was a cutter - a man who worked in the netherworld of the gay S&M scene, cutting off men's testicles, consensually and safely.
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Growing up in rural New York State, he knew he was gay from childhood, but it was only in his mid-20s, while working for the military in a top security position, that he discovered the gay S&M scene and a world where castration was honoured rather than abhorred. Now in his early 50s, he has been without his testicles for six years and is keen to point out that he has no desire to be feminised. But what compulsion drives grown men to be castrated in the first place? According to Gelding, for most men the desire to be castrated stems from puberty but does not develop into a fixation for at least 10 years.
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In Gelding's experience a quarter of those who get castrated continue to regulate their libidos with testosterone, which allows them to have full sex. Some want to be feminised, a few - known as nullos or smoothies - want to become nullified by having their penis removed along with their testicles. Some are androgynous types (thin and underdeveloped) who want to remain in a prepubescent, asexual phase, others are eroto-phobes who don't like to feel driven by their libidos and want to become surgically tranquillised. Men who want to be castrated fit no stereotype, have no common neuroses or childhood experience. In the UK, self-motivated castration mainly exists only in the most extreme S&M scene, while in America those aspiring to be castrated comprise a burgeoning and divergent tribe made up of both gay and straight men. And so began a lifetime's quest to be castrated. The pain was as piercing as the pleasure.
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"Do that again and I'll crush 'em," said the older boy, grabbing his genitals. For Gelding - an adopted alias for the American internet guru to all wanna-be eunuchs - that moment came when he was 12 years old and thrown against an older boy in a packed bus. Some people can identify a defining moment in their childhood - an incident that brings an idea to mind which is then indelibly fixed in the psyche.